Billie Eilish Recalls Suffering Debilitating Depression

Billie Eilish revealed she suffered a major bout of depression last summer.

In an interview with Rolling Stone published on Wednesday, April 24, the 22-year-old pop star opened up about the extent of her debilitating depression, writing in her journal, “I know I’m lucky/But I’m so unhappy.”

“It was just realer than it’s ever been before,” she said of her mental health struggles. “My whole life, I’ve never been a happy person, really. I’ve been a joyous person, but not a happy person. I experience joy and laughter and I can find fun in things, but I’m a depressed person.” 

“I’ve suffered with a lot of depression my whole life,” she continued. “When things happen in my soul, or whatever, the thing I’ve always held on to is, ‘Well, it’ll pass. It’ll come in waves and it’ll get worse and it’ll get better.’ And that’s always brought me comfort. And this time, I literally was like, ‘I don’t care. I don’t even want it to get better.’”

Eilish said her parents Maggie Baird and Patrick O’Connell, brother Finneas O’Connell and best friend Zoe Donahoe were the ones who kept her going through the difficult time. The “Bad Guy” singer realized she simply needed to get out of the house more often, despite her celebrity status.

“I hit a turning point,” she explained. “I had this moment of like, ‘Oh, my God, I haven’t had fun in seven years.’ Truly. I had this illusion that I had, because who experiences going to the Grammys at basically 17 and winning five? But in life, I realized I had really not experienced that much. I didn’t go outside for five years. How was I supposed to have any experiences?”

Eilish said she slowly started going out more, starting with trips to the grocery store and then going out to parties and concerts with her friends.

“I’m afraid,” she admitted. “For a f—ing good reason. I’m afraid of people, I’m afraid of the world. It’s just scary for somebody like me, and even if it’s not scary, it means being on and being vulnerable and being seen and being filmed and whatever. But with that all in mind, I have been choosing to do the thing that scares me more. I am biting the bullet and existing in the world for once.”

Never miss a story — sign up for PEOPLE’s free daily newsletter to stay up-to-date on the best of what PEOPLE has to offer, from celebrity news to compelling human interest stories.

The Grammy winner has since been trying to return to how she felt in 2019, which she called “the best time of my life.” Eilish said her upcoming third album Hit Me Hard and Soft, which will be released May 17, has helped her get back to her “old self.”

“This whole process has felt like I’m coming back to the girl that I was,” she said of creating the project. “I’ve been grieving her. I’ve been looking for her in everything, and it’s almost like she got drowned by the world and the media. I don’t remember when she went away.”

Although she’s been transparent about her struggles with depression, Eilish told the outlet that she has no interest being a celebrity spokesperson or advocate for mental health.

“I think it’s really weird when you are in the middle of something and somebody asks you to be the advocate for the thing you’re in the middle of,” she said. “I understand that it’s important, and I understand that it’s an epidemic and it needs to be talked about, but I don’t want to fucking be the role model for depression. What happens when I do some s— y’all aren’t going to like?”

If you or someone you know needs mental health help, text “STRENGTH” to the Crisis Text Line at 741-741 to be connected to a certified crisis counselor.